Dolphins, Jerks of the Sea: Part 1

Dolphins, I like Dolphins a lot, they're charming, playful, are historically and anecdotally likely to save sailors at sea, and are always a welcome sight to me when out on a ship. They're some of our nearest competition for smartest creature on Earth but as much as I adore these crazy cetations, they're jerks. Plain and simple. Over the next few weeks I plan to examine a few of the things that make these magnificent assholes so neat, and so very like us.

[WARNING! If you're under 18 you should make sure your parents give you permission to read this. That means you, Wallace, your parents will be so mad at me =P ]

Part 1- Horny Little B******ds

Dolphins are one of the only species that engages in sexual activity for purposes other than procreation. Dolphins are often seen mating regardless of whether they are showing signs of fertility. These encounters strengthen pod bonding but also are part of normal playing. Dolphins are even known to have casual encounters with dolphins of the same gender.

But The Pirateologist General, you ask, what makes that such a jerky thing? The answer is the darker side of Dolphin sexuality. Rape and prostitution.

Dolphins have been observed forcing other dolphins into sexual intercourse violently and often in gangs that isolate a single female and assault her. They've also been witnessed flipper high-fiving and jumping for glee as they corner terrified females. Now, this behavior isn't exclusive to dolphins in the animal kingdom; look up ducks those little feathery psychos are cruel. But what makes it exceptional is that dolphins have been known to rape humans.

Mostly, when a dolphin gets excited around humans, it leads to playful bumping and generally being annoying, no more than a gal might expect in a packed bar on a Saturday night. A dolphin's penis is on average about 13 inches and is prehensile (think a monkey's tail), and when excited, a dolphin may prod or grab with it. But sometimes it goes too far... Like this story of a swimmer off the coast of Norway in 1999.

On to Prostitution, Dolphin females will trade sexual favors for choice food, an attractive sponge, what passes for money in dolphin pods. I'll stop here for a moment to allow you to recover from the iniquity... ok, deep breath, good? good.

While dolphin's standards aren't exactly exacting, Jessica Alba who has spent time with dolphins for both movie roles and on her own time, seems to attract their ardour.

She told MTV: "I don't know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being - and they have long, long... (penises).

"I didn't know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude.

"I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little b******s."